There's this guy who begs around the CBD - you probably know him. He stands there with his head down, as thought bowed in reverence, or shame, holding out a cup or a hat for people to throw their coins. He never makes eye contact and he never says anything. I've said hello to him a few times and even engaged in some awkward conversation. I knew his name at one point, but I've forgotten it now. The other day he was standing outside Myers in the same forlorn position and so I went and said hi. I said that it was getting cold and he agreed that it was. I asked him whether he was cold standing there and he said he was, a bit. I told him that I thought his coat looked warm and he said it was ok. He's always so damn polite. Then I said that I had to go, and I clip-clopped off.
The next day I saw him again. I was about to walk past but I thought I'd stop for a quick hello. He looked up at me and said, "Why don't you just go off and have a good time?" His voice was shaking a bit. "I'm not your responsibility, you know."
I told him I hadn't meant to offend him and I quickly walked away, upset and embarrassed. I'd been trying to be a good, caring citizen and it had completely backfired. What had gone wrong?
I never exactly enjoy chatting with the guy. He's not the greatest conversationalist, after all. I do it because...well, I want him to know that I see him. That he's not invisible. I'm trying to treat him like a person.
And also, it probably goes some way to reinforcing my identity of being a person who cares about the downtrodden. Those conversations were always awkward, and he was as aware of that as I. I reckon I've been a bit patronising with him too - always emphasising the positive in everything and urging him to agree, like he's some 5 year old ("But your coat must be warm! At least you'll get something to eat tonight! Oh, surely the concrete isn't THAT hard????!"). All wide eyes and smiles. Yeah well, you know, maybe his life just plain sucks, and maybe he's ok with that. Maybe he doesn't need me trying to make myself feel better about his shit situation.
I thought about writing him a letter, telling him I'm sorry for bothering him and being patronising and all that. Maybe I can explain that I want him to know that I notice his existence, or something. I could put it in his hat. Is that a bad idea?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Andreana,
Sometimes you can't approach the beggar types with rationality and equality. How can he relate to your roof over your head? Your job? Your future? He has nothing but his miserable existence to define him. I've often wondered why the Ultimate Reality substantiates, validates and allows the type of existence that this man lives. Is it possible that something you do will impact this person's existence for the better for the long term. Perhaps his grasp of society has been reduced over time to base level responses like beg, drink and sleep. Are you going to do him good by talking to him and NOT giving him money. Will he appreciate your anti monetary contribution. Inversely, perhaps you give him money? What will he spend it on...will the gift enable him to continue his path towards global irrelevancy. In the end we shun because there is no easy solution and perhaps no solution at all. Has our destiny already been written?
Hard questions, with no easy answers.
It's hard to tell from your post, but maybe you could try asking him questions - and I mean real questions, not rhetorical ones. Have you asked him whether he'd like a hot coffee on those cold mornings?
As to your last question - I've faced similar questions to this on numerous occasions. Now I answer those questions by asking myself another: is this about me, or will it actually be meaningful to the other person? Often I realise that I'm just trying to apologise for or explain my actions, and the other person probably couldn't care less, they just want me to leave them alone!
As per usual, your writing is as thought provoking as it is pleasurable to read :-)
I really appreciate the honesty and bravery inherent in this post. I think Rebecca has hit the nail on the head with her question about whether it will be meaningful to the other person.
Do you think though, that you could write a similar post about a time when your encounter actually did result in a positive interaction? Homeless and marginalised people, like everyone, aren't homogeneous, and just because this encounter went poorly doesn't mean every one will. In particular I'd like you to do this because I find Cameron's comments a little worrying. Cameron, do you view homeless people as really having nothing more going on, nothing more to offer, than just beg-drink-sleep. I think this opinion is exactly what Andreana is trying to dispel...
Motives are always so hard to pin down. There's a part of me that truly does believe in finding the common humanity between homeless/marginalised people and myself. And of course there's a part of me that wants to feel good about myself.
Actually as I search myself, I realise that I don't feel bad about the incident anymore. I think I actually have a desire for that guy's humanity to be recognised. I don't believe that anyone's desires are ever reduced to basic survival and escapism (beg, drink, sleep) - I think that its our need for love and belonging that makes us truly human. In that regard, I disagree with Maslow's hierarchy of needs - I think that love and connection is just as important as food or shelter for basic survival.
But you can't force love onto someone. Which is why I intend to leave the guy alone for a while. Maybe if I think of some appropriate, humanising way of connecting that won't just piss him off and make him feel patronised (thanks for the ideas, Rebecca), and if the timing's right, I'll try to reconnect. But for now, I think I'll just respect his wishes and leave him alone.
And yes, I do have lots of good encounters with people who are homeless. Here's a couple of posts I've written in the past:
http://godofdishes.blogspot.com/2009/04/thoughts-on-begging.html
http://godofdishes.blogspot.com/2009/07/pauls-gift.html
I worked in the hostel for years. One of the things I found hardest was saying goodbye to people, then never knowing what happened to them. Sometimes we had a little information but usually it was silence. The ingratitude was easier to handle. If I lived in a hostel I doubt I would feel grateful. A lot of the people who came to us had 'monsters' on their mind - abusers, their own demons, etc. I think that after a while we learned not to expect a response. When we did have one, it was refreshing. Like a gift or a little bit of hope.
I know the guy and I always put him in the too hard basket. I know we need to consider the other person but for what it does have to do about you, it is really courageous of you to try and relate to him. I think put a letter in his hat.
In a book I read called "Same Kind of Different As Me," this woman initially got really bad reactions from a guy who was homeless that she was trying to relate too. But slowly through her love she broke him down. He came to relate to her. I can see you are trying to love him.
Post a Comment